There’s something about junior year, with English textbooks larger than my left arm and a consistently monotonous dress code that really hinders the pursuit of happiness. Demanding classes, standardized tests, and outside pursuits further complicate the idea of “freedom” to a vast majority of students and parents. To those wondering how to survive such an onslaught of academic endeavor and maintain a good English-textbook-to-arm-size ratio, we advise the following measures. 

English: English class can be a true challenge. The countless hours of writing stories, reading book summaries, and working on in-class essays can be discouraging; however, anyone can do this, given the right amount of coffee or tea. The basic formula for a refreshing hot beverage is 1 part coffee or tea, 1/2 part milk (or milk substitute), and 3 parts sugar. Outcomes may vary from student to student.

Before caffeine: Studying literature is fun!

After caffeine: The science of literary study thrives at all levels of English and effortlessly involves several methods of verbal interpretation and modern critical belief while guiding one’s conceptions of what differentiates fiction from non-fiction and the basic characteristics of successful pieces of literature. (Pair up with cursive to seem extra impressive).

Chemistry: One of the main concerns of chemistry is to not destroy a teacher’s career. If a student plans on blowing up their teacher, I recommend they do so in history class. Then, manslaughter can simply be considered a protest against oppressive systemic structures, and the class would be too busy debating the historical significance to make fight-or-flight decisions. For those seeking a more platonic relationship with chemistry, we advise scouring the internet for step-by-step instructions on how to make their first experiment, called “Baking Soda Volcano”. 

Physics: High school physics can be a significant hurdle. To fully comprehend hypothesis and experimentation, students must constantly stay informed about the study of mechanics. From past experience, Principia Mathematica reads very well in the background while taking a bowling class to help with one’s hand-eye coordination to perform physics experiments. For more advanced students, the “Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle,” which states that the very act of observing a quantum system will change its state, is really fun. If someone tries to force you to do some serious academic work, be that a homework assignment or an overnight study session, you can simply “change your state”. On the flip side, physics is a little bit too good at modeling your chaotic GPA and downward life trajectory.

Mathematics: Math is a subject that all students must master and should be studied from a very young age. You will encounter a few genres of math in high school: Geometry should be taken passively due to its long-winded nature, as all diagrams, formulas, and diagrams can be forgotten upon whiles one is not in class. Geometry textbooks are also required to be heavily highlighted, bound by very thick highlighters, and worn out from continuously scanning the same page for an hour. Algebra is quite similar to geometry. Some recommended materials are Khan Academy, music lectures, and a book called, “How to Achieve the Ultimate State of Consciousness,” by Matt Taylor. For those taking calculus, we recommend that you sign up for an AP test in math by the end of junior year to prevent your teacher from smacking you over the head with a pointer. 

History: Why is it when we feel remorse, we have to have a class about it? History may rhyme with misery (sort of), but it’s our absurd impulsive desires that will prevail in the end.   Avoid any post-apocalyptic reading and escape into an old sit-com on your favorite streaming service.

Arts: Art is a nice place to escape from everything. Simply show up on time and make sure to study from many different angles and perspectives to get the best grade. The painting classes are usually a place to goof around and generally be a pain; however, if you listen to the teacher and be respectful and quiet, you can usually go on a pretty good trip in your head. You can buy all your paints and pencils from Amazon, even though Amazon has always been known as the king of predatory pricing and restrictive DRM tactics. It is advised that you bring a pair of shades to protect your dust-allergic eyes.

Gym: High school gyms are great! They provide a venue for many students to work out the frustrations and thoughts they may have with writing papers or with the teacher. Sometimes, however, a student may have trouble with the concept of weightlifting. This is the activity of lifting heavy objects for sport. In simpler terms, it’s the equivalence of solving kinematics for an ideal environment before air resistance and friction are introduced. When you are eventually tired of shooting hoops against tired high schoolers in basketball, the Gatorade fountain is the way to go. 

Psychology: Given the fact that the theme of school is “the worth of a person,” one would imagine the underlying subject of psychology would be lucid. However, psychology is a confusing topic coming to terms with mental health. One day, you will find yourself with a signed contract that may or may not suggest to you that your worth as an individual, in spite of all psychology classes, is actually a result of dominating market forces. To succeed in this class, browse mind-bending websites to learn about the inner workings of the human brain and anomalous mental phenomena, such as telekinesis, psychic patterns, and lucid dreaming. Use this knowledge to gain as much insight as you can about the inner psychic workings of your teachers and classmates.

With these simple, easy-to-follow steps, I can almost guarantee you to pass your classes, and I can’t wait to see what you bring to the classroom! So continue on your academic journey with these tidbits of information, and we hope all your high school stories are acts of kindness and greatness. Have fun!

[The satirical views expressed herein are those of the author; the Editorial Staff of The Courier and the administration of the Delbarton School deny any and all responsibility for those views.]