UNIVERSITY CITY, CALIFORNIA:
Today, Universal Studios announced the upcoming, 2027 premier of Jurassic Universe. Reporters from The Green Onion rushed to the scene as Mark Woodbury issued a press release. “We began filming yesterday, and writing today,” the CEO of Universal Studios proclaimed. “I am trying not to spoil the movie, but our writers decided to return to an untapped plotline: a mutant-hybrid dinosaur.”
Critics grilled Woodbury, claiming that he has refused to solve the central issue of the franchise: prehistoric CGI. Woodbury has also received backlash on social media, with lifelong fans exhausted from the deteriorating quality of the films.
One X user, Gr@ssIsN0tRe@l, tweeted “Your board members were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should!” Another, L0neSt@r55, stated “He should call it: Jurassic World: The Quest for More Money.” A third, N0_J0b1003, claimed that “Universal finds a way.”
An anonymous source from within Universal told the Green Onion that the studio would be casting Chris Pratt, Scarlett Johansson, and Richard Attenborough’s ghost, as well as now-primordial Brad Pitt. A number of fans have become disconcerted at the increasing number of stars Universal has cast, a trend that originated with Jurassic World: Rebirth.
Woodbury responded to these allegations stating that “we spared no expense.” In other news, paleontologist Paul Sereno of UChicago announced the discovery of a Jurassic-age mosquito fossilized in amber.
